There's an episode of Dharma and Greg that speaks to the deep things of my heart and a profound need of the American church.
Yes, you read that sentence right: Dharma and Greg.
In case you had better things to do in the nineties than watch second-rate sitcoms, here's a summary: Greg is straight-laced and conservative. His family and upbringing were formal, proper, respectable and uppity. His parents are members at the local country club. Dharma is a hippie, wild, passionate, reckless and carefree. She doesn't plan or dress up or think twice about discussing sex in polite company. Greg marries Dharma. Lifestyles collide. Hilarity ensues.
In the only episode of that show I can remember, Dharma and Greg are lamenting their loneliness. Their single friends have dumped them (of course) and they don't have any couple friends. And then they meet someone and it's like love at first sight. They have so much in common - he likes cars and baseball, so does Greg. She likes rock music and margaritas, so does Dharma. They like the same restaurants and the same movies. Piano music plays. Birds sing. Everyone laughs in slow motion.
But Dharma and Greg push too hard. They're too eager, and their new friends stop calling. Eventually, Dharma and Greg spot them at a cafe with another couple! Shocked and betrayed, Dharma storms into the restaurant and causes a scene.
"How could you cheat on us like this?! I thought you were our friends! Who are these people?"
It was a funny episode but only because my wife and I knew it too well. We've been in that boat. Who hasn't?
You're newlyweds and have better things to do at night than hang out with your single friends.
You're new parents and your childless couple friends don't understand why all you ever talk about is that kid and all you ever want to do is sleep.
You're new in town and no one really knows you yet.
Or you've just not had the time, the opportunity, or the relational agility to land a really good friend in a while. You meet someone interesting but then you zig when they zag. You laugh at something that wasn't a joke. Or your schedules just don't allow for the natural next step - that imaginary platonic courtship where you say, "Hey Mark, it was really good to meet you and Missie in line at Starbucks this morning. My wife and I were just on our way to a Toadies concert and we happen to have an extra pair of tickets." And they say, "No way! The Toadies played our wedding!" And a week later Mark calls to announce that Missie is pregnant and they were wondering if the two of you would consider being the child's godparents.
If you haven't already given up that dream, let me speak the truth in love: that only happens in sitcoms.
But hope is not lost. Since Dharma and Greg Episode 312 aired on December 14, 1999, my wife and I have experimented with many forms of couple courtship and many new friendships. Some have failed fantastically, but others have grown into deep, meaningful and abiding couple-love. So here are our tips:
How to Woo and Win New Church Friends in Eight Easy Steps.
1. Meet someone while passing the peace, waiting in line at the Mo, or attending a Bible Community.
2. Meet their spouse. Point out something small that you have in common, "Oh! Opposable thumbs, huh? Nice. Me too!" Smile.
3. Run into them a second time at church and invite them to lunch after the service.
4. At lunch, exchange surface-level information about your family, your career and your testimony. Don't overshare. Remember all you can about their stories and not just the stuff you found interesting.
5. Observe a three-day cooling-off period.
6. Start working an angle to have them over for dinner. Some suggestions are:
- Stalk them so that you can sit at their table at Wednesday evening meals in the Commons.
- Even though you never have dinner parties, throw one with your "some old friends" and invite them. (If they accept, bribe neighbors to show up and act like "some old friends".)
- Just be bold; call them up and invite them to dinner.
7. Ask for a commitment, like a ring or a mention in their will.
8. Apologize for overplaying it in Step 7, but offer to make it up to them when you vacation together on a two-week cruise next month. You've already booked. They can't say no.
I'll admit that our Eight Easy Steps might need some tweaking, but the message is this: you have to be intentional. Jay Utley speaks the truth. Friendship, like marriage and prayer and anything else worth having, doesn't just happen. So even if your steps aren't exactly like ours, at least consider what steps you'd like to take to find community. Try having a plan. Try to find your own "baby steps" to community.
Deep and meaningful relationships are difficult and set against long odds. They are opposed by our self-centered, self-sufficient, alley-facing garage, drive-through, let-the-TV-be-your-friend culture. They are opposed by our work loads and pace of life. They are opposed by our enemy who wants anything but iron sharpening iron. So they are not going to fall into place. They will require some work, some inconvenience and some planning. It may be awkward, but it makes for great TV.
