Sunday School Christmas

Merry Christmas! Here's a recycled gift: the script of a sketch we did in my class at church several years ago. Our class is called Crossroads and it comprised 40 or 50 couples so it was hard to get to know everyone. We used to invite one couple each week to tell a little more about themselves. Here's the class intro scene from a special new couple. 


JOSE: Gosh, where to start? I'm Jose and this is Maria. We've been coming to IBC for a little while - like since the summer.

MARIA: But this is only the second or third time we've visited Crossroads. We've had trouble finding appropriate child care for our son—

JOSE (to Maria): They don't care about that. We're supposed to tell about our past, like our testimony.

MARIA: Ok, well you go.

JOSE: Ok, well we both grew up in believing homes. We met in college. At A&M. I was construction engineering. She was fine arts. We dated for a couple of years.

MARIA: Seven and a half months.

JOSE: Ok, so not quite a year. And then we decided to get married. And then—

MARIA (interrupting): I was visited by an angel.

JOSE (to Maria): I thought we weren't...

MARIA : And I got pregnant.

JOSE (to Maria, surprised): Wha? I thought...

MARIA (to Jose): Well, they're nice people. I just...
(to class) See, that part of our story is pretty unique. It's kind of hard to tell.

JOSE: So sometimes we just sort-of gloss over that.

MARIA: And let people think he knocked me up.

JOSE: Well, sometimes it's easier that way, especially with church people. They'll forgive you for sin, but not for being weird and talking about the Holy Spirit. I mean, not you guys. Er...

MARIA: Anyway, so there was all kinds of weirdness. This angel told me I was pregnant with God's son.

JOSE: Mine too. I got an angel too.

MARIA: But all our friends were like "Yeah, right" and my Dad completely flipped out.

JOSE: Yeah.

MARIA: I seriously thought he was going to kill Jose. Or get arrested. Or both.

JOSE: Yeah.

MARIA: So we decided the best thing might be for me to disappear for a while. So I went to Austin.

JOSE: The hill country.

MARIA: My cousin and her husband, Lizzy and Zach, live down there. She was pregnant too. And she had seen an angel too, so she believed me about my angel.

JOSE: I know it sounds like everybody in our family talks with angels and then gets pregnant all the time.
(to Maria) Let's get past this part.

MARIA: So I stayed with them for a while. That was great. I wrote a song then.

JOSE: Don't sing the song.

MARIA (glares at Jose)

JOSE: I stayed in College Station. I was working for my dad's construction company and just trying to save some money for doctors and hospital costs and baby stuff. She was gone for a month or two.

MARIA: Three and a half.

JOSE: Something like that. That was kinda hard. To be honest, I didn't really think that was fair at first. I didn't want any kids yet and then I find out I've got to raise somebody else's kid before I get to have my own? I mean, even if it was God's son, sheesh!
But then she finally came back.

MARIA: By then things had settled down and Dad had stopped making threats.

JOSE: Yeah.

MARIA: And it was finally going to be somewhat normal. Like I could finally plan the wedding and stuff.

JOSE: And then the stupid census thing happened.

MARIA: Stupid.

JOSE: Some stupid politician got it in his head that everyone needed to go to their home town for this census.

MARIA: I was like, "Couldn't we just do this on Facebook or something?"

JOSE: Yeah it was stupid.

MARIA: I mean: Census page — "Like" — done.

JOSE: Yeah well they said something about travel stimulating the economy, yadda yadda. But it was stupid.

MARIA: So we've gotta drive 16 hours in his 1981 Chevy pickup. Wouldn't go over 50 miles an hour. I could see the road through the floorboards. We may as well have been riding a mule.

JOSE: That was a great truck.

MARIA: Not when you're pregnant. It was awful.

JOSE: Anyway, this is taking too long. So we went to my home town. I'm from a town called Breadsville, Arizona.

MARIA: Two words: Po - dunk.

JOSE: It's pretty small.

MARIA: One hotel.

JOSE: And a bed-and-breakfast.

MARIA: Like anyone would want to stay in a bed-and-breakfast in Breadsville.

JOSE: Anyway, Breadsville used to be a lot bigger and there's kind-of an influential family from there so there were a lot of people in town for this census thing and we couldn't find a place to stay. The hotel was full. The B&B was full. And so it was pretty late at night and we had tried all the people I knew and even called some motels in other towns around there and there was just nothing. We were gonna have to sleep in the truck.

MARIA: There was no way I was sleeping in that truck.

JOSE: So I went back to the guy at the B&B and pretty much just begged him if we could crash on his couch or something. Told him we would get up early and leave before the breakfast and everything. And he said no, but that we could stay in his garage.

MARIA: Tool shed.

JOSE: It was his garage.

MARIA: It was tiny. Not like an attached garage with a floor and drywall. It was a shack with no floor and a bunch of tools and boxes of D-Con rat poison.

JOSE: He had an old car in there under a sheet. He helped me push that out to give us room and he brought us some blankets, and we made a pallet on the ground right next to this puddle of oil from his old car.

MARIA: It stank.

JOSE: Well, and it got worse because I don't know if it was all the excitement or the rough ride in the truck or what, but she hadn't had a single contraction before that night and all the sudden, she looks at me with big eyes and says her water just broke.

MARIA: Did we mention that Breadsville doesn't have a hospital either?

JOSE: So I go running up to the house and bang on the door and the guy doesn't answer! I guess he was tired of dealing with us. So I run back to the garage.

MARIA: Tool shed.

JOSE: And there's Maria...

MARIA: That's good, dear.

JOSE: She's sitting on this old seat from a riding lawnmower.

MARIA: You can stop, dear.

JOSE: With her legs spread apart and a blanket in front of her—

MARIA (gritting teeth): Jose, I said that's enough!

JOSE: Um...so...she had the baby.

MARIA: Jesus ... our son's name is Jesus.

(Pause here.)

JOSE: Nasty. I had not intended to cut the cord or any of that.

MARIA: He's a wimp.

JOSE: Yeah, when it comes to blood. It was nasty.

MARIA: He was beautiful.

JOSE: Well, I had to clean it all up, which was nasty. And I just about get done and somebody bangs on the door of the garage.

MARIA: Tool shed.

JOSE: And I figure it's the B&B owner because he probably heard the noise and we're waking up the guests or something. And I go and open the door and it's Paul Teutul.

MARIA: It was not Paul Teutul.

JOSE: The dude from OC Choppers. Anybody watch that?

MARIA: It was not Paul Teutul.

JOSE: It looked exactly like him. He had two other dudes with him. They were riding Harleys. I'm telling you it was him.

MARIA: In Breadsville, Arizona?

JOSE: For the census, maybe.

MARIA: Why didn't you get an autograph?

JOSE: I was ... distracted.

MARIA: So anyway, these biker guys come in and they're carrying boxes. I mean presents. Gift wrapped. And they put them down next to Jesus who is burrito-wrapped in a blanket and laying on the work bench. And they tell us that an angel - a whole bunch of angels - appeared to them—

JOSE: I know. More angels. Sounds crazy.

MARIA: And the angels told them that Jesus was special and where to find him.

JOSE: In a tool shed in Breadsville, Arizona.

MARIA: We stayed there for almost a month. Eventually got in to see a doctor. Took Jesus to church for the first time there. Some other visitors showed up too. Big wigs of some kind.

JOSE: Limos this time instead of Harleys. And they saw a star, not an angel.

MARIA: They told us the same thing the biker guys had. Jesus was special and they had come a long way to see him.

JOSE: And apparently stopped by their bank on the way because those boxes were full of cash!

MARIA: Very generous.

JOSE: I was afraid it was stolen.

MARIA: If it hadn't been for those gifts, there's no way we would have made it to Mexico and back.

JOSE: Yeah, but that's a different story.

MARIA: Yeah, so that's us. We have two boys: Jesus is six and Jaime is three. They're both precious.

JOSE: They're out of control.

MARIA: No. They just keep us on our toes.

JOSE: Our number comes up on the screens in service just about every week because Jesus is talking back to his teachers.

MARIA: Correcting his teachers.

JOSE: It's back-talking. But he'll learn.

MARIA: Yeah, so we're here now and we're very excited about getting plugged in to Crossroads.

JOSE: Yeah, I guess that's it. Thanks for letting us join you.

MARIA: Merry Christmas.